Yup. You guessed right. This is just a small sampling of the first responses I received when I revealed that I was indeed with child. Talk about a mother fucking first response.
via GIPHY
I am pregnant.
You see, I am the girl that has always put my career first. Music, theatre, the arts is what fueled me. It inspired me. It made me feel strong and valuable and filled my desire to express myself. Each song, each performance, I thought I was somehow making a difference. I juggled a plethora of jobs, gigs, taking on what felt like the stress of the world, just to get some sort of acknowledgment, make a blip on the radar. My journey to success. At one point I was waiting tables, fit modeling, performing in a girl group and two off-broadway musicals simultaneously. I was filled with ambition, unstoppable energy, and the need to succeed. I used to always say, "Well, if you juggle enough balls, one is bound to land and stick it!"
And you know what, it's true. I just didn't think it would be my husband's ball. There I was. Bare ass on the toilet, preggo test stick deep in pee pee, a faint double pink line glowing. Something I had never seen before. Flustered, I said to myself, "Hurry up, you have a recording session to get to."
I stopped at a Duane Reade around Astor Place before I headed back home to Queens. I wanted to get the real deal-digital-tell me if I am preggers or not-E.P.T-hardcore-situation. Score. A pack of two is on sale! It will not only tell me if I am pregnant, it will tell me how many weeks. Shit is legit. In line, I thought about how a girl at work last night stopped me in the kitchen and exclaimed, "Girl!!!! When are you and your man having a baby?!" I thought about how my manager offered me a shot of tequila and I took it like a champ (per usual), but then got the cold sweats and felt funky (not per usual). I thought about what the fuck I would do if I were actually pregnant, I always wanted a baby, but like, let's be real, only when I became "successful". And then, as I was waiting in line holding my two pack of pee pee sticks, a beautiful middle aged black woman looked back, noticed what was in my hand, and began to praise, "Oooooh, congratulations! How exciting! That's really exciting! Congratulations!" Now let me tell you, I have bought a Costco bulk supply worth of pee pee preggo sticks in my life and nary a soul has ever uttered one word to me upon check out. I didn't know what to do besides awkwardly thank this nosey but lovable character and loosen the zipper on my jacket as I began to hot flash.
And the rest, as they say, is history. I took my fancy pee pee tests. A digitized "pregnant" flashed off center on the screen and "0-3 weeks" followed below on both tests. I emerged from the bathroom, holding my sticks, not knowing what to say. My husband, Joel, sat patiently on the couch. I went to him and showed him the tests. I couldn't say, "I'm pregnant." So, instead I cried. Joel held me and finally through my hot tears, I uttered, "I've never seen that before." We laughed. And after my tears exhausted, we sat in my puddle of sweat, and wondered, "Now what?"
I am pregnant. I said it. It's real and it's happening. And even though I am scared, I have never felt more connected and concerned for another human being. One that I have never met. Before I was pregnant, my life was chaotic and I was perpetually on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of all those damn balls I was juggling. When I found out I was pregnant, none of the balls dropped, but I felt this overwhelming sense of serenity. And even though I have no idea what the future holds for me, I just know it's going to be okay.
Oh! But let's get back to those first responses!
